


Light Pours Out

by sheroars



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-13 22:42:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14122401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheroars/pseuds/sheroars
Summary: Scenes from a 3 day weekend...





	1. Rest

**Author's Note:**

> Descriptions of panic attacks and recovery from episodes of anxiety are sourced from personal experience. I do not claim to be an expert or represent any other experience other than my own. Thank you!

Her thoughts were racing.

 

The space between her ears felt heavy. Her chest was tight. She tried to breathe through it but Christ…she couldn't even sit down. She was pacing. She didn't want to be, but she was. She toed off her shoes in an effort to get more comfortable. Shrugged off her dress blues jacket, dropped it next to hat. The badges and medals clanked and it made her wince. She pulled off the tie. She was unpinning her hair and popping the top few buttons of her shirt when her office door quickly opened and shut.

 

"Talk to me." He said. 

 

"Rafa I…" He had seen it. Along with everyone else in the goddamn city. Cutting the press conference short, walking suspiciously fast away from the cameras, ignoring calls from the throngs of journalists and even other NYPD members, leaving Fin to answer questions. "I don't know what happened." The vacant expression on her face made him swallow. 

 

"You did great, Liv. It was heavy stuff, nobody thinks less of you for-"

 

"I had a panic attack." 

 

"What?"

 

"I made it to the bathroom but I just…lost it. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't see straight." She swallowed. Her throat was on fire. "It hasn't happened in a really long time and I had no idea what to do." In two steps he was in front of her, pressing his wrist to her forehead and then his fingers to her pulse. She was clammy, but stable. She closed her eyes at his touch, exhaling slowly. 

 

"You didn't do anything wrong, Liv. How do you feel now?"

 

"Crazy." He grasped her by the belt and pulled her close.

 

"What can I do?" She frowned, trying very hard not to break down again. She shrugged, his hands clasped her waist and stroked her ribs encouragingly. She anchored herself on his lapels, suddenly noticing that he had come straight from work. He had been in court almost all day. His tie was undone and limp and his collar was unbuttoned. She sniffed.

 

"How was your day?" He gave a hoarse, disbelieving laugh. He pressed a long kiss to her forehead.

 

"My day? My day was okay. Arguably much better now. Where's Noah?"  

 

"With Cragen. He and Eileen are in town with their grandkids this weekend so he's spending the night, Lucy is taking him to school tomorrow…"

 

"Okay, you're coming home with me tonight. Do you need anything?" She shook her head, limply wrapping her arms around his neck. He folded her into his arms, crushed her to his chest. After a moment he gave her a nudge backwards. He shrugged off his coat and put it around her shoulders. He tipped her chin up and waited till her eyes were focused on him. "Shoes, phone, uniform." She followed his instructions quietly, pushing her feet back into her dress shoes but not bothering to tie them. She dropped her phone into her back pocket and bundled her uniform under her arm while he ordered an Uber. She took his hand as they walked towards the elevator.

 

The squad room was uncharacteristically crowded for a Thursday night. Olivia pointedly ignored eye contact. Finn, Carisi, and Rollins looked up and gave Barba an appreciative look. They had been worried. _Monday_ he mouthed. Finn nodded, pointed to himself and giving them a thumbs up, indicating he would cover anything that popped up. They all started to pack up. There would be time to regroup after they rested. The last few weeks have been brutal. None of them had been home in three or four days. Four sex traffickers were sitting in Attica tonight. Twenty or so young women were being sent home to various regions of Canada. But two NYPD officers and three girls were sitting in premature graves.      

 

In the elevator Olivia leaned against his arm, visibly exhausted. He squeezed her hand, led her out of the building and down the block to the street corner where their ride agreed to pick them up. They waited quietly just outside the halo of a street light. Night was falling. She sucked in a deep breath, looking a little more relaxed. The city sounds were better than the silence of her office. She gave him a weak smile. He took the bundle of clothes out of her arms, shaking out her coat and draping it over his arm. He did the same with the tie. He hung the hat off the corner of his briefcase. 

 

"Thank you," She said softly, kissing the corner of his mouth as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her nose into his shoulder.

 

"Of course, mi Amada." _Beloved._ He whispered back, free hand coming up to stroke her back and press her close. She finally felt anchored to the ground. The spinning inside her head stopped. Her knees were beginning to shake a little, but he pressed her forward and took her weight. She felt…small. Panicky. Like her own stomach was preparing to rebel and swallow her whole. As if sensing her new discomfort, he pressed his cheek to her hair and ever so slightly started to rock them back and forth.

 

"Trying to put me to sleep?" She joked after a minute, once she was fully grounded again and able to focus on how comforting she found his attentions. 

 

"Is it working?" He deadpanned.

 

"Oh yah." They snickered.  She held on to his suspenders and tried to let her mind go blank. The car was taking its sweet time, but they didn't really mind. Any other night she might have teased him about being too good for a cab, but there was none to be found around them on the block tonight. They didn't mind that either. There was no rush. No obligations. Just the here and how. She blinked blearily over his shoulder, watching the evening rush of car and pedestrians roll by them. A familiar face made her stomach twist again.   

 

"Shit." She said softly, briefly hiding her face in his neck before straightening up and taking a very small step to the side.

 

"What is it?" She gave him an uncomfortable look and glanced over his shoulder to alert him to the fact that they were about to have company. Rather than move any further away she clasped his hand between both of hers and leaned on his arm for support. "We're going to have to make small talk." He pulled a rather annoyed face, primarily to make her smile. It worked.

 

"I'll send them off." Someone was stepping up on the corner to look for cabs. Finding none, he turned and recognized them.

 

"It's okay." She whispered, lying through her teeth.     

 

"Olivia!"

 

"Ed." She piped up. Rafael resisted the urge to groan out loud. Tucker. Not wearing a suit, not looking quite as hard as he used to, but still Ed fucking Tucker.

 

"I saw the press conference and-" He stopped abruptly, realizing how his thought process might sound out loud. He gave them both a suddenly bashful look. "I uh- was meeting an old buddy for dinner on this side of town and was wondering how you were holding up after all of this." Barba hid a wince inside a cough. Of course he was plugged in to the latest NYPD happenings. "Are you doing okay, Liv?" He took a step forward but didn't come any closer when she didn't reciprocate.

 

"I'm doing okay." She said, in a tone that definitely conveyed that she was still processing and had little else to say on the matter. "You know Rafael Barba, don't you?" She finally released his hand so they could shake .

 

"Barba. Hell of an ADA. Lot of people hated to see you leave. Where did you end up?"

 

"Child advocacy. Still in the neighborhood. How's retirement treating you?" He smiled and shrugged, definitely not missing the way Rafael's hand fell down and disappeared between Olivia's. Or the fact that the jacket she was wearing was a smidge too big and very plainly matched his trousers.   

 

"Terribly. I'm glad you're okay, Liv. Taking the weekend off?" Their Uber finally, blessedly, pulled up the curb.

 

"Yes we are." Rafael said, squeezing her hand as she shifted from one foot to the other. She may not have looked uncomfortable but Rafael knew she certainly felt it.     

 

"We should meet up sometime." Tucker took out a card, passed it to her. "And if I can help or if you want to talk-"

 

"I'll call you." Olivia nodded, attempting a genuine smile. His disappeared as quickly as he appeared, walking back towards the precinct. She let out a long breath as they got into the back of a black Mazda. The driver apologized for the delay. Traffic was terrible. Rafael appeased him with small talk until he turned the radio up and pulled off into the street. "I'm sorry about that. He's…" She whispered.

 

"Brainless? He's always been like that." Rafael said, watching her carefully. She looked out the window but kept their fingers linked. He moved into the center seat. She draped his arm over her lap and turned her face into his shoulder. "You know, I think that's the first time I wasn't immediately launched 7 feet away from you when someone you knew approached us."

 

"Shut up." He grinned when he saw her smiling against his sleeve.

 

"What? I have the bruises to prove it." She laughed lightly, suddenly remembering how he had caught his thigh on the corner of her desk when Carisi almost walked in on them saying hello to each other last week.

 

"Force of habit." She said, propping her chin on his shoulder and squeezing his fingers. "I've never-"

 

"I know." There was no earthly reason to hide it anymore. His new position at a non-profit firm had negated the need for it. It wasn't even new. Not with a handful of months under their belt. The intensity of the protective feelings woven in and around and through this relationship thought- very new. She shrugged and sighed.

 

"I think I really hurt him. It was mutual when we broke it off but every now and then he tries to do a little more than keep in touch and it just rubs me the wrong way. It's like he wants me to know that he's doing great. That I made a mistake and that he's willing to pick up where we left off. I don't know. I'm probably paranoid."

 

"Something tells me that all might taper off now." The metaphorical chest puff made her laugh again.

 

"Rafael." She sighed, mirth breaking through her exasperation. He kissed her, so lightly and quickly it made tingles shoot up her spine. 

 

"You're so tired I can feel it, close your eyes." She attempted to doze on his shoulder but every movement of the car made her nerves jump. She screwed her eyes shut and focused on breathing. He cursed the traffic and helped her pace, squeezing her hand to remind her to exhale.    

 

They arrived at his apartment a handful of minutes later. She was obviously relieved to be out of the car. He led the way into the building, up the elevator, and down the hall. She followed him back to the bedroom, where he immediately dumped their things on the bed and went into the en suite to start a shower. She quickly took advantage of it, not even bothering to close the door behind her. He swept in and out, changing his clothes and cleaning up and making sure she hadn't collapsed onto the floor. It was hovering, but it was comforting. When she got out he was gone but he had stacked some of the clothes she had left in his dresser awhile ago on the counter. One of his maroon cardigans was folded on top. She put it on over her camisole, finally feeling calm. Settled in her own skin. Still raw and hollowed out, but calm. She found him in the kitchen, heating up leftovers. Before he could say anything she was kissing him, deeply, sliding her fingers up the sides of his neck and sending a shiver down his body.

 

"Tell me what you're feeling."

 

"Strange." She held his hand to her chest, moving the edge of the cardigan aside so she could press his palm to her heart. Her body was calm but he knew she probably felt like a live wire. 

 

"We'll eat. We'll get you in bed." He decided. "Any idea what brought this on?" She chewed her bottom lip as the microwaved beeped and he produced some delicious smelling leftovers that were most certainly from Mama Barba's kitchen. He already knew so much, he might as well know this too.  

 

"I haven't been sleeping. Or eating. We went straight from the funerals to the conference and then it was really hot." She admitted. "Too many people. Too close. Way too loud. I couldn't hear a single thing I said."

 

"Is that usually what triggers it for you?"

 

"Yes. That or a really bad dream." She said. The first few bites tasted like sand, but then she realized she was eating cheese enchiladas with rice and beans, one of her favorites. It melted in her mouth and brought warmth to her body. They leaned against the kitchen island, shoulder to shoulder.

 

"How long have you been dealing with them?" There was a hesitancy in his voice that made her heart ache. He never wanted to pressure her. He always waited. He was always patient. 

 

"Since Lewis. Off and on. This was the first one this year. I think I'm going to see someone though, just in case."

 

"Good. And find out what I should do to help." He tucked a wet curl of hair behind her ear.  

 

"You're doing it." She was swaying on her feet by the time they finished eating. He half carried her back to bed, where she promptly went boneless under the duvet. She managed to stay coherent long enough to call up Don Cragen and say goodnight to Noah, who was drowsy after what sounded like a jam packed day. She talked to both Eileen and Don for a bit, her smile now coming easy. He joined her in bed after cleaning up the kitchen and locking up the apartment, bringing some work with him. He had some files to read for a new client. His first custody battle. She was four years old with nearly three inches of paperwork. Five separate individuals were fighting for custodial rights and visitation, it was a nightmare in the making.  She settled as close to him as she could get without disturbing him. The corner of his mouth quirked up as he felt her hand rest on his knee under the covers. He curved an arm on the pillow just above her head so he could gently stroke her hair back from her face. She was out like a light in minutes.

 

He couldn't quite keep his mind off her, even as he skimmed over notes from prior court proceedings and annotations on medical reports. He mulled over the 3 days they had in front of them and began thinking of ways he could do something to help the woman sharing his bed. He pulled his phone off the charge cord and started sending off some texts, emails, and a reservation or two for good measure.  

 

~

 

She awoke abruptly at some point and swallowed a gasp, the fingers of a dream she would never remember only just relinquishing her mind. She tasted bile as she opened her eyes to nothing but blackness, but reality sank into her bones blessedly fast. He was breathing next to her. The clock on the bedside table informed her that it was 3.34 am. She pushed herself through some breathing exercises until the knot in her chest relaxed. She turned to look at him, balling her sleeves into hands and wrapping her arms around herself. His work was stacked haphazardly on his side table. He was on his stomach, arms crossed under his pillow. His knee was propped against her leg, more than likely to alert himself if she got up or started to panic again. In the darkness provided by the heavy curtains she could only see a bit of his face. Some silvery hairs, one peacefully shut eye. His forehead always smoothed in his sleep.

 

"Rafael…" She mumbled, heart suddenly heavy with affection as she pushed a hand out to run her fingertips across the back of his bicep and up his shoulder, stroking the soft hair framing his ears.    

 

"Hmmm?" He responded almost immediately. She swore internally, realizing he might have only just gone to sleep.

 

"Nothing." He opened one eye, somehow looking skeptical with just the sleepy movement of his eyebrow. 

 

"Bad dream?"  

 

"Can't remember."

 

"Sleep a little more for me." He yawned, reaching an arm out towards her so she could move closer. He rested his brow on her temple and drug his fingertips in lazy figure eights across her stomach until she was falling back asleep again.

 

~

 

She woke slowly next time. Almost agonizingly. Her body always regained consciousness sluggishly when she didn't have an alarm screaming at her. After the week she had she was feeling incredibly heavy in every limb. Like she was underwater. She groaned and yawned, rubbing at her eyes.  

 

"Shit," She mumbled when she saw the time. Half past ten. She was alone in his bed. Sitting up took some time and effort. Her body was still exhausted and achy. The overwhelming sadness was gone, which was a step in the right direction. She made her way to the bathroom, rubbing her lower back and praying for some energy. She almost immediately felt tears prick in her eyes as she turned the lights on. A vase was nearly bursting with flowers next to the sink. Yellow Acacia, Jasmine, and Forget-Me-Nots were spilling over the brim and perfuming the whole room.

 

Olivia avoided looking in the mirror as she washed her face and brushed her teeth. She fully expected to look like a bloodshot nightmare and her hair was a already a wavy mess after sleeping on it wet. She braced for the worst as she brushed it out. Hmmm. She looked…okay? She looked okay. Pale. Sleepy. There were dark circles under her eyes but otherwise she looked somewhat rested. Her bedhead was painfully messy but when she parted it to the side it fell in an almost pleasing way. She tried smiling. It worked. Okay. It was going to be okay.

 

He was dressed and working, sitting at his kitchen island with papers spread out to nearly every corner along with what was probably his second or third cup of coffee. Something smelled fresh and delicious. He looked up at her almost immediately, smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. 

 

"Hey."

 

"Hi."

 

"There's croissants from La Rue, extra crispy hash-browns from Ray's, and coffee from El Bistro Barba." He named two of her all time favorite cafes and then pointed at the boxes sitting next to the fresh pot of coffee. Her stomach rumbled and she was immensely pleased to have her appetite back.  

 

"All 3 of my favorites" She paused, genuinely touched at by the gesture. "Thank you."

 

He had the audacity to look bashful. She built herself a plate and leaned on the counter next to him, skimming over his case notes. He stood next to her after topping off his coffee, running his fingers across her lower back

 

"Where do you think she should stay?" She asked, nodding towards the little identification photo clipped to the file. She was small with haunting blue eyes.  

 

"I'm lobbying for the foster parents. There's 3 other kids in the home but they're the only ones who really care about this poor girl."

 

"Think it's possible?" She watched him run some mental calculations. 

 

"Maybe. The judge wants this family out of her court room for good. My odds have been worse." She tapped on a particularly damning set of medical reports and psych evaluations.  

 

"You'll get it." She decided, nudging her shoulder against his as she straightened up.  

 

"You're the definition of biased Olivia Benson, but thank you for the vote of confidence." She attempted a suave kiss to the side of his neck but ended up lingering so long he held her chin, turned his head, and kissed her three times in quick succession. She almost dropped her fork. "What can I do for you today?" She took pride in the fact that he had to catch his breath a little. She tugged on the collar of the soft black button down he had bothered to put on.     

 

"Stay with me."

 

~

 

She needed to walk around. She loved to walk around the city without having a specific destination. He was learning to like it.

 

They stumbled across a cramped but bustling Italian deli a few blocks from his apartment in a direction he never went. She ordered them a variety of things that would probably not taste good together. They waited in a dense lunch rush, not at all aided by the little old men sitting in the window and playing an accordion duet or the neighborhood children running in and out of the store, playing hooky and buying Italian Ices. He found himself pressed against the back wall with her leaning against his chest and standing between his feet. She checked her emails on her phone. He dropped his fingers into her front pockets. She smiled at him over her shoulder and pushed her foot, hooking it around his ankle in a teasing manner. 

 

Yah. He was learning to like it.

 

He ate half of her spicy meatball sub and followed her around some more unfamiliar blocks, listening to her talk about everything and nothing. Office politics. Noah's new habit of picking fights with the lunch lady. A book she had heard about that she wanted to read. How she was feeling. What she was thinking. There was some color in her cheeks by the time they circled back to his place. His feet were sore but his body was light. 

 

"You're quiet." She said as they got in the elevator.   

 

"Am I?" She gave him a skeptical look. He leaned against her, boxing her into the corner of the lift. "Maybe you make me speechless…" She rolled her eyes and groaned. Sappy. 

 

"Never mind. Shut up." She pushed on his chest as the doors opened and back him up into the hall. He laughed. She couldn't help but feel weak in the knees.  


	2. Renewed

She sat up suddenly, scaring the living daylights out of him and pushing all the air out of his lungs as her weight fell directly on to his hips.

 

"What is it?" He choked out. She shook her head and laughed at herself a little. 

 

"Thought I heard something." She mumbled apologetically, working hard to not look too amused at his predicament. "Did I-?"

 

"Don't mind me, I just didn't know blood could move south that quickly."

 

"Charming." She snickered, shifted up on her knees and looking down on him. He was lying horizontally across her bed in some obnoxiously patterned boxer briefs and scant else. It was the definition of a perfect Friday night.

 

Noah had come home from school, wired per usual, but had settled quickly after a romp around the park. They got groceries and came back to her place. He cooked while she made a game of cleaning with her son. The apartment still smelled like flowers, pine sol, and a bit like fettucine. They watched the entire original Star Wars trilogy together start to finish. They watched Noah become completely obsessed with Han Solo and Chewbacca before crashing fast and hard.

 

And now they were here. Him pinned beneath her, his fingers teasing the hem of her short sleep shorts. Perfect.

 

She leaned back a little and stripped off her tee shirt. He whistled. She pinched his side in retaliation as she leaned forward, pressing a long kiss to his forehead, chin, and the center of his chest. His laugh died fairly quickly. He wore a small medal on a long chain that she knew used to hang around his grandmother's neck for a number of years. La Virgen de la Caridad. Our Lady of Charity. Patroness of Cuba. She followed the chain from his heart to his neck with lazy open mouthed kisses. His hand moved between the skin of her back and her black sports bra, pulling her close and kissing her deeply. A thrill of anticipation rippled through her body at the taste of him. Fuck.

 

He sat up ever so slowly, playfully catching her bottom lip between his teeth. He gave her neck a wet kiss before abruptly blowing a raspberry against her skin and reaching for one of the wine glasses they had abandoned on the bedside table. She shrieked.

 

"Shhh!" He chastised her as they both dissolved into giggles.

 

"Jerk." She huffed, accepting a drink as he pressed the lip of his glass to her mouth. It was the first drink of the night but she was already well past tipsy. Or felt like it, anyway. They only had one lamp on and he was practically…glowing. Smooth and soft and smiling and warm. He pulled on her hips till she was balanced up on her knees again.

 

"Estoy loco por ti." I'm crazy about you. He mumbled against the top of her left breast, kissing as much of her skin as he could with her bra still on. She couldn't help but moan a little as he mouthed at her throat.

 

"Oh you make me crazy alright." She said, deliberately misinterpreting just to make him laugh.   If she had to pick favorites, nights like this would be at the top of the list. Lazy. Quiet. Sexy. Fun.  He fell back and turned them so he could lie between her thighs. She finally chucked her bra and then chased his smile with her lips and the tip of her tongue. He groaned and pressed a hand between her leg, gently massaging the seam of her shorts. She gasped and rolled her hips. He pushed his fingers into the movement, giving her friction. "Rafa," She said a little breathlessly, pushing her pants down far enough to get his fingers exactly where she wanted. 

 

"Tell me what feels good."

 

"This does. Oh yah…this does." Her eyes slammed shut and her hand clamped over her own mouth as she hid her face in his neck. In less than two minutes she was coming so hard she saw stars.. She kissed at his shoulder and neck and jaw hungrily, more turned on than satiated. "God, Rafael." She fell back and wiped a tear from her right eye. He was looking at her like she had hung the moon. He pulled her shorts all the way off and then plucked at her underwear, stroking and teasing her repeatedly. "Keep that up and you're gonna make me come again." She mumbled, wrapping her hand around his wrist as her hips arched off the bed.       

 

"Mmmmm that's the idea." He tickled her throat with his stubble. She was laughing when it crashed over her for the second time, heat spreading to every inch of her body.  

 

~

 

Waking up a dawn was a painful habit. But reveling in the hazy grey space, listening to the city start to wake up, and falling back asleep again was never so bad. Sometimes on the weekends Noah woke up at four or five and needed to be put back to bed for another hour or two. This morning he went down again without a fight after a glass of water. 

 

"Any big plans today?" She asked him, pressing up against his back as she got back into bed, wrapping an arm around his chest. Her lips ghosted across the back of his neck.

 

"Mmmmm breakfast club meets at 11." Saturday mornings usually meant a lazy meal out with Lucia Barba and whatever company she brought along. Usually older kids from the Big Brother/Big Sister chapter growing at her school. "I promised Noah a trip to the MOMA. I think you're invited." He yawned. She grinned. He felt it. He clasped her hand against his chest.  

 

"You don't have to stay." She hitched a leg up over his as she said it, making him smile against the pillow.   

 

"I know." She linked their fingers and held on to him as tightly as she could. She could stay here forever and a day. "Noah and I also made dinner reservations tonight. You should come." 

 

"Oh how kind of you." She snorted. He brought her hand to his lips and suddenly keeping her eyes open was hard work. He sank further into their embrace, also deliriously comfortable. "How many people know you're a shameless little spoon?"

 

"That's slander. And defamation. I'll sue." He yawned again.

 

~

 

The three of them were a few minutes late to brunch. Lucia was sitting at a large table with a young woman, two young men, and a copious amount of mimosas. The lot of them were beaming. Lucia got to her feet to embrace Olivia first and then her son second.

 

"I'm so glad you came!" She sighed, squatting to say hello to Noah. "Hola Noah!"

 

"Hi Lucia!"

 

"Are we feeling pancakes or waffles today?" Noah dropped his mother's hand and happily sat next Lucia at the table. Rafael knew the three guests. The two young men enthusiastically shook his hand. The young woman embraced him.

 

"Olivia this is Gail, Devante, and Theo. They're all college interns in Mami's afterschool program."  Lucia Barba's latest programming and hard work was starting to receive city wide attention. She took all interested volunteers and incorporated them as often as possible.   

 

"So good to finally meet you." Theo said. Rafael cleared his throat. Together they ordered way too much food. Olivia watched Noah babble on endlessly with Lucia. She talked to him like she would any other adult and it was amusing to behold. Rafael fell into a deep conversation with Theo and Devante about a group of gay and lesbian teens they had been focused on assisting in the program. Theo was pre-law but a community organizer at heart. Devante was studying psychology. Gail was in art and psychology as well. Together they formed a formidable team that focused on programming for at risk and marginalized youth populations. Just listening to them was a learning experience.   

 

"I've followed some of your work, Lieutenant. I'm a real fan of the accessible sex ed platforms you've been building." Gail said. Olivia was briefly taken aback. It was more of a pet project, really. Something Munch had started in his retirement boredom that was gaining traction in some parenting circles, PTAs, and private school systems. It started out as a resource bank but was rolling towards a proper structured curriculum.  

 

"Thank you! It's just been a pet project for me and some colleagues, but we think it has potential."

 

"Are you kidding? The minute Rafa and Mama Luce got it in our hands we were working it in to our life skills classes." Devante said. "Reinforcing affirmative consent and talking about toxic masculinity is going to save lives." Olivia looked between Lucia and Rafael as they exchanged a bemused and slight embarrassed look. Caught. 

 

"She could rewrite the book." Rafael said nonchalantly, nudging her leg under the table. She suppressed the urge to reach for his hand.

 

~

 

Noah was mildly obsessed with the extensive collection of armor and medieval relics at the Museum of Modern Art. He was in an intense stage of curiosity that involved the intricate rendering of his favorite things in a thick drawing pad. Olivia set him up on a bench with a sketchbook and a bag of sharp colored pencils. Rafael attempted to sit next to him and ask questions but was largely ignored or answered in head nods.

 

"He's in the zone."

 

"Gotta get it right first, Rafa." Noah agreed, butting his head against his older companion's arm. "This one got hard swirls." He pointed to the filigree work on the armor in front of them. Rafael quietly watched him draw. Olivia took two turns around the gallery and snapped several pictures of them from behind before her son was satisfied. They moved on to another room. 

 

"Mom, can I take pictures?"

 

"Sure can!" She passed him her phone. He loved taking photos and then printing them out for himself. There was a cork board in his room that was rapidly becoming a fire hazard. He stayed five steps ahead of them, lining up shots with an intense concentration. Rafael stopped in front of a beautiful impressionist painting and she wished she had her phone back so she could capture his serene posture against the swirling blues and greens. She came up behind him instead, kissing his cheek and resting her chin on his shoulder, tucking an arm around his waist. "I wish I had something to say other than thank you." She whispered. 

 

He just smiled and reached back to squeeze her hip, freezing the moment till Noah required their attention again.

 

He anchored an arm around her shoulders as Noah decided to play docent, leading them around the museum at his whimsy while creating completely absurd stories and histories about the art. They played along, barely containing their laughter as the actual docents and other museum patrons played along when he accosted them and folded them in to his grandiose narrative. When Olivia got her phone back there was about 10 carefully selected shots that Noah wanted to keep, a few selfies of him making ugly faces for the camera, and one that made her blink a few times. Rafael, in front of the painting with herself behind him, taken from behind and cropped to only display their heads and shoulders against the dreamy painting.      

 

~

 

"Seven across, last letter is o, a sauce."

 

"Hmmm. Tabasco?"

 

"Damn it." She snickered and closed her eyes again, hitching the throw blanket over her shoulder and sinking deeper into the couch. The TV was on low but neither of them were watching it. Noah was down for a nap and the place was peaceful. He had a crossword pressed against the thigh she wasn't currently using as a pillow and was idly running his fingers though her hair. When he hit a tangle he carefully separated it, barely looking up from his puzzle. "Your hair's getting long." He said. The waves were haloing her shoulders these days. 

 

"Time for a cut?" She mused. "I was looking at old pictures the other day. I used to have short hair. Shorter than yours."

 

"Egads." He feigned horror. She laughed. If her eyes were open she would have rolled them.

 

"It was a look. Never got more numbers in my life."

 

"From other women?"

 

"Shut up." She huffed. "Yes." He grinned.

 

"Did you use them?"

 

"I plead the fifth." He prodded at her side in a way he knew she would find ticklish. She trapped his fingers between her arm and her waist as she turned on her back and shot him a murderous look. He narrowed his eyes back at her and returned to his crossword.

 

"Four down, third letter P. Clue is cheese."

 

"Nips. Cheese nips." She said after thinking about it a second. "Are you going to tell me where you made dinner reservations?"

 

"No."

 

"How am I supposed to dress?" She pouted, kicking a leg up in the air to reminded him that she was currently wearing sweatpants.   

 

"Ask your son."

 

"Did you really let him pick?"

 

"You can't actually make dinner reservations at McDonalds." She snorted.

 

"Fair."

 

"We'll be in Brooklyn. Something nice and quiet but nothing fancy." He conceded. "Does Noah have a blazer?"

 

"Oh my God."                        

 


	3. Onward

The River Café was a notoriously stunning little gem. It was tucked on the riverside under the Brooklyn Bridge. The views of the skyline, the water, and the Statue of Liberty were nothing short of jaw dropping right around sun set.

 

He had somehow, via ways she's rather not think about, got them a table by the windows. Noah was in his absolute Sunday best and was so wide eyed about the views that he had stopped fidgeting with his dress clothes. Olivia had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. The poor boy wasn't used to slacks, button downs, ties, or blazers and will still distressed that his mother even owned such torture devices in his size. In the car Rafael had taken mercy, pocketed the tie, and popped the top few buttons of his shirt. 

 

A man was playing jazz on piano. Candles were being lit.   

 

"Rafa!" He said as he was scooped up and sat on Rafael's knee. "It's Lady Liberty!" He pointed out. 

 

"That's right amigo. A long time ago the only way to get to the city was by boat and she was the first person to greet the visitors." He started pointing out buildings and neighborhoods with a seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of New York history. She took the chair across from them, pulling up the hem of her little black dress. The boys were matching. The only way she could persuade her son into the dreaded clothes was to tell him that Rafael had a suit that looked just like it. He had dressed down a bit, much to her amusement, also forgoing a tie and wearing his shirt open.  He was in a white button down, Noah was in a yellow one. Her son had an arm around Rafael's neck, pressing them cheek to cheek so he could see the exact places Rafael was pointing out. She stealthily pulled out her phone and snuck a picture in before the waiter brought by a cocktail menu.

 

Their evening was…enchanting. Olivia always relished experiences that made her see the city in a totally new light. Tonight New York was practically reflected in the harbor. They tried new things, new drinks, and rewarded Noah with a monstrosity of a dessert that contained chocolate, ice cream, and sorbet. It still felt like a dream as they took a stroll along the pier. Noah had a hand from each of them and was uncharacteristically quiet. He came to an abrupt stop. They exchanged a bemused glance and then watched him watch a boat drag lazily along the water.

 

"Mama take a picture of me and Rafa!" Rafael looked pleasantly surprised. Olivia beamed.  

 

"Can do, sweet boy." 

 

"Come on Rafa! I need a picture of us for my collection!" Rafael boosted Noah up to sit on the railings, an arm secured around his waist. "Get the skyline, Mama!" He directed, before assuming an incredibly goofy pose by throwing an arm around Rafael's neck, puffing out his chest, sticking his hand in his coat like Napoleon, and crossing his eyes. She got one of Rafael laughing and then following his lead.  

 

"Thank you amigo, can you take one or two of me and your Mami?"

 

"Yep yep!" 

 

~

 

Noah fell asleep halfway through Star Wars Episode One, much to their mutual relief.

 

"Nothing stacks up to the originals." He said. She tisked.

 

"I don't know how these were so bad. The new ones are fantastic." He raised an impressed eyebrow. "What? Sometimes Lucy is here on Friday nights and I'm not in fact at work or with you." He grinned. She put her son to bed. Put their slightly rumpled dress clothes on hangers in her closet. Listened to him hum and sing under his breath while he bumped around, turning on the shower in the en suite. She put her iPhone on to charge. The lock screen that blinked back at her was…incriminating. The wallpaper wasn't much better. 

 

Why did that make her feel so fucking elated?  It was just her son. And her boyfriend. And if she unlocked her phone he would be there again. With her. Looking at her like she was worth her weight in gold. Fuck.

 

"Oh, hello." He said when she joined him in the shower.

 

"Hi." He turned around and kissed her before stepping back and letting her under the spray. She got her hair wet before clasping his face and kissing him firmly, barely giving him allowance to breathe. He got a grip on her hips and gasped against her cheek. She gave into the urge to keep him pressed to her chest, catching drops of water on the side of his neck with her lips. "You're too much." She mumbled.

 

~

 

"You're too much." He repeated back to her, sliding a hand into her hair and guiding her mouth away from his thigh and to his own. They traded lazy open mouthed kisses as he caught his breath. "You're too fucking much, Olivia Benson. God." He wrapped his arms around her, cradled her to his shoulder. She pressed her bashful smile against his cheek. Their legs tangled. The sheets were slightly damp. Their towels were thrown carelessly on the floor. They had barely made it out of the shower without falling. "I love you so goddamn much." He said, towards the ceiling.

 

"I'm in trouble, counselor." She mumbled against his hair. He snorted and turned his cheek into the pillow, putting them basically nose to nose. She closed her eyes and caressed his face. He kissed her forehead as their bodies finally calmed and the blood stopped roaring in their ears. "Every day I think I can't love you more." She ran her finger across his lips. "But then you prove me wrong." She whispered conspiratorially.           

 

"There was such a hole in my life before you came along." He traced her jaw with his lips. 

 

"Are we just going to one up each other all night?"

 

"Is that not how pillow talk works?"

 

"Oh my God." They giggled so hard they had to roll away from each other. Clothes were pulled on. The sheets were changed. Towels were put away. Lights were turned off. In the dark she played with his fingers as they moved against her cheek.  "I thought I was going to fall apart on Thursday."  He felt her struggle for words. He waited. She linked their fingers and held their hands under her chin, pressed a long kiss to his hand. The press conference and her panic attack felt like years ago. "I thought that was it. All I ever was or would be."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"It felt like it was really over. Like I couldn't do it anymore. Or anything else for that matter." His heart broke. His words failed. She kissed him, lingering as long as she could. "I don't know how or why you're still here, but I'm so glad you are. You are…everything to me, Rafael. You can fix things I didn't even know were broken. After those years of driving each other crazy you bring me…peace."

 

"Nena…" He sighed. Baby. They could hear a drizzle tapping at the window. Sirens wailed in the distance. Her heart swelled as she released his hand an settled herself on his chest, under his chin. Happy. She was so fucking happy. "You'll never stop driving me crazy."

 

"True." She conceded.       

 

"But even when it's hard...I'm promising you Liv, I'm not going anywhere. Not unless you want me to."                

 

~

 

It rained Sunday morning too. Hard and loud. Noah screamed when a loud set of crashes and bangs fell from the sky. He always hated storms. Olivia blearily shot up and jogged down the hallway, heart pounding. The door was open. Her son was sitting on Rafael's hip and the two of them were peeking between his curtains. She stopped in place, smile suddenly plastered to her face. 

 

"Mira, mi Amor." Look, my love. "It's just the sky. See? Same sky as yesterday and the day before that. Sometimes when there's a lot of rain there's thunder and lightening too. Have you learned about that in school?" Noah sniffed and nodded, head still buried in Rafael's shoulder. "When I get scared I always try to learn as much as I can about it. The more I know the less scared I am. Tell me what you learned in school." She barely heard her son's rudimentary description of weather science. She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around both of them.     

 

~

 

They all three pulled a similar face when he got call from the office after lunch.

 

"Mrs. Arlen is crying in my office." He winced. The foster mother from the case he was working. The first court date was tomorrow. 

 

"You should go." 

 

"It shouldn't take long. Do you want to come?" He asked nonchalantly, getting up and looking for his briefcase. Noah had used it as a roof for his block prison the night before.

 

"YES." Noah said. Olivia gave her son a perturbed look. He found her own office intensely boring. "Can we go to Moz's?" Ah, she had forgotten about the candy shop and ice cream bar across the street.

 

"There's an idea!" Rafael agreed.

 

"I"LL GET MY RAINBOOTS." Noah bolted for his room. Olivia laughed and then groaned.

 

"He's going to be so buzzed."

 

"Think of it as a Monday pre-game." He bent over the back of the couch, catching her eye and giving her his best impression of Noah's puppy face. He had a point. Rollins and Carisi had caught a murder suicide allegedly structured around a sexual assault in an affluent neighborhood and it was already getting ugly press. "They have a chocolate bourbon sundae." 

 

"Sold."       

 

"Nice." The storm had wrung itself mostly, coating the city in a foggy drizzle. It was just three subway stops and a short walk to his office. Olivia and Noah waited out front and chatted with Nancy, the eccentric but very kind secretary. She always let Noah sit on her desk and pretend to take phone calls. Rafael spent 20 minutes with the distraught foster mother before seeing her to the door and hailing her a cab.

 

At Moz's they sat at a table by the window and split a sundae with far too much chocolate in it while Noah went to town on his own cone and wandered around the massive selection of sweets.

 

"She was just scared." He said. "Apparently Lily's grandmother stopped by their apartment to yell at her for stealing her grandbaby."

 

"Jesus. Is she trying to get custody too?"

 

"Yes. But she very plainly can't. She's unemployed, disabled, and has two felony drug charges under her belt. Currently living in a half-way house. Definitely not mentally or physically capable of taking care of a child."  He sighed. "I wish I could make guarantees but I can't. Biological mother is recently clean and sober and in a stable job. Just got her own apartment." Olivia looked incredulous. 

 

"She nearly starved Lily to death."

 

"Her attorney is doing a fine job pinning all of the abuse on the bio dad and making her a victim too. I don't doubt that but-" He stopped abruptly. Olivia nodded her understanding. "He's supposed to show with his own case so I'm riding on the public shit-show giving me an edge with the judge."

 

"I've seen it work before."  She agreed. "And Lily wants to stay where is she?"

 

"Absolutely. She calls the Arlens Mom and Dad and will testify as much in court." He used a napkin to wipe chocolate off her chin. "Should I be willing to work out visitation with the mom and select relatives?"   

 

"Yes. Supervised for six months and then up to the Arlens' discretion. That only strengthens your case. Keep Grandma off the list though."   

 

"Agreed. I'll start making calls tonight." Noah rejoined them, clambering up on his Mom's lap. It took both of them to clear the drippy mess from his hands and face.

 

"Did you know you're spoiled?" She said, kissing the top of her son's head. 

 

"I know you are, but what am I?" He stuck out his tongue.

 

"Okay, slightly less spoiled than me." She conceded, mildly amused to see Rafael blush. He cleared his throat. 

 

"I need to go back to the office for a bit. What would you like for dinner, amigo?" He shrugged and played with the zipper on his jacket.

 

"Can we cook? Lucia said she would teach me Rope Via." Olivia watched Rafael suppress a laugh.

 

"Ropa vieja? An excellent choice. When I was your age Mami made it twice a week."

 

"Mama, can Lucia come?" Noah looked up.

 

"That's a great idea too." She said, "Why don't you call her and ask what we should buy?" Rafael immediately pulled out his phone and called up his mother on speaker. The minute the invitation was out they could hear her pulling things out of cabinets and tripping over the cat to find shoes. She gave Olivia and Noah a short shopping list and announced that she would be over in an hour or so before. The three put on their raincoats and headed out. Noah was getting a little too big for piggy back rides but Olivia carried him like it was nothing. Rafael walked them to the subway entrance, a spring in his step, and gave her a quick kiss goodbye. He sheltered them under his umbrella and wrapped his free arm around her waist, tickling Noah's side.    

 

"Thank you." He said, giving her a long look that conveyed a hundred other things. His mother could be overwhelming but she had taken it all in stride.

 

"Hey. We're a package deal, you two are a package deal." She smiled and kissed his cheek, twisting to the side so Noah could do the same.  "We'll see you soon. Can you grab some wine on your way over?"

 

"Oh no, mi Sol!" My sun. He pulled a dramatically disappointed face which made Noah peal into giggles. "We eat Cuban, we drink Cuban. I'll bring rum." She laughed and rolled her eyes.

 

"Point taken." She kissed him one more time. "Bye, baby."

 

"BYE BABY!" Noah parroted evilly as they turned towards the subway, making them and some bystanders break down with laughter.          

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fin. thank you for the kind words.


End file.
